These Ordinary Days
I woke up this morning feeling anxious and couldn't really explain why. It's just an ordinary day in the life of the new me. The me that is the master of my own destiny. The me that is my own boss. The me that is building an interior design company from the ground up. Something just feels out of the ordinary. My plan seems to be going in a way I hadn't expected.
I looked around my home this morning and I saw the beauty I created, some by myself and some with my husband. I say home and not apartment because I want you to know that no matter where you live, as long as it is filled with people, animals or things you love, it is your home. Your living space, wherever you reside, should be a reflection of your memories and who you are.
I saw someone post this morning on their instagram page about 'never having a kid stare at her while she poops as an option during a game of MASH'. I thought that was HILARIOUS. It was a day in the life of her as a mom. A similar day I wish to have in the future as my own. Remember that game MASH we played in 6th grade? Each letter stood for what you were going to live in when you grew up: Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House. You then picked who you were going to marry, where your honeymoon was, where you were going to live, how many children you were going to have and what you were going to drive. I look back on those days and laugh about how inaccurate the game really was. Obviously our young pre-teen selves didn't really think they were going to happen. I didn't flinch when I happened to get the boy I didn't like, or drive a garbage truck and live in a shack (because don't forget, we used to throw in a funny one in each category just to make our friends mad). We threw caution to the wind and played the game because we knew deep down, we weren't going to get what we thought we wanted at the time. It was just a game. However, as an adult, we are learning the hard way that it is not a game but real life. The choices we make affect our life's trajectory in a way we probably could never have conceived possible.
As a renter, in an apartment, my newfound business plan is to work with what I've got in my own home. If you follow my blog and instagram posts, you may have seen that when I decided to leave teaching and pursue my passion as an interior designer, I created my own office space within my small walk-in closet. I do not have a garage or a place where I can create and do carpentry, I do projects in the middle of the living room or on my front porch. My projects are a part of my home. While I am writing an article, painting a piece of furniture or gathering items for a future client, they all live in my personal space. My linen closet is filled with tools and paint cans instead of a cute, organized pantry that I wish I could have. It's like I live in a living, breathing, dollhouse that is still yet to be finished. It has a personality of it's own whether I'd like to admit it or not.
My dream is to one day have a storefront where I could sell my refurbished furniture and decorate with found items, antiques and locally made goods. Inside, it would have large french doors that open to a beautiful office space with natural sunlight inviting you in to sit on comfy chairs in front of an old refurbished drawing desk. I would have coffee, tea, cookies; everything to make my clients visit as comfortable and as memorable as possible. I could keep describing my dream, but in a way it makes me sad. Not sad that I can't or won't achieve it, but sad I'd be leaving the place where I first began behind. The place that we began our marriage. The place I hope to start a family. The place that although I was annoyed with the clutter, I secretly felt proud seeing the fruits of my labor around me on a daily basis. Even though living with the furniture I'm selling around me invokes a jealousy in me when it is sold to a good home. But like Marie Kondo teaches, "you must acknowledge that it served its purpose and thank it before letting it go."
My home is my business. My home is my storefront. It is my place of inspiration and security. We always leave notes around the house to each other. Sometimes I even leave notes for myself to be positive and then Brian comes and echoes the reminders I leave myself as reinforcement. You see, as a 35 year old woman, I thought I would be in a different place in life already. I thought I would be fully immersed in a career, with a toddler at my feet and a baby on my hip enjoying all the things motherhood and being a wife has to offer. Life is funny that way. Just like MASH, you never get what you expect. I know my future family is there, waiting for me to love them unconditionally, but I think I'm relearning how to love myself unconditionally first. I have always accomplished the things I set out to do. Motherhood is one thing I have not been able to accomplish on my own and I know when the time is right I will be one. Right now my baby is my business, my dream, the thing that keeps me up at night instead of a screaming child.
This morning in my instagram stories, I used the song "Ordinary Days" by JJ Heller to video my freshly cleaned kitchen and living room. When I watched it back, I started to cry. Not tears of sadness, but of happiness, pride and love. I saw Arya, my dog, laying on all the messed up pillows and the words of the song resonated within me a feeling of gratitude. I was inspired to write this blog post on the ordinary days we (and I mean me most of all) forget to acknowledge. I am living the ordinary days, the quiet days, the days where I am alone without interruption. The days surrounded by boxes and paintbrushes, containers of holiday decor and photography equipment.
The days where I can be creative in the privacy of my own home... eat when I want, take a break when I want, source and research and contact perspective buyers and clients when I want...The days where it is just me and The Mamas (my dog) against the world. Taking her for walks and adventures when I want... Working on myself, my business and my physical and mental health... I am grateful that I made the right choice in my career. Grateful that I am healthy and alive, doing what I love most: Inspiring people, volunteering for mental health, collaborating with others who are like-minded...Feeling gratitude that I married a man who was supportive of my dreams, battles my fears and disappointments with me, and takes care of me when I need it most.
These ordinary days are the ones that I will always remember. The ones I will never forget. The ones I am glad to photograph to stay etched in time forever. The ones that I stay up late and get frustrated. The days I am covered in paint and feel like I am failing. The ones that I laugh during and the ones I cry to. These ordinary days will be replaced by new ordinary days. The days when we will own a home, have a family and have a business I am proud of. I know in my heart we will. Just like I know if you are reading this, you're now thinking about your own ordinary days. I hope to have inspired you in some way to make your ordinary days worthwhile.