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  • Writer's pictureJacqueline Loiacono

What is it That I Need?

Updated: Jun 3

Another month almost down, another toddler size clothes being packed away in bins. I wonder if it ever gets any easier. Not the struggle of everyday tantrums, the barking, the crying, the messes, or endless mounds of laundry…but the overwhelming feeling of not being enough for her. Not being enough for myself, or Arya or Brian. Looking back on the too small clothing wondering where each month goes. Looking back on the last 11 years with my furry best friend and how I used to worry how our lives would change when we had Vienna.

After the diner the other day, Brian sat in the car with Vienna as I ran in to Home Depot for a hose nozzle by myself. It felt weird not pushing a cart with her in it. Nothing in my hands except my phone and wallet. It felt lonely as I walked my usual fast pace through the store. I always have my sidekick with me and when she’s not there I feel sad. But then I saw her face in the store in her Dada’s arms waiting for me on line. Brian said she yelled my name when I left the car until they found me. I wasn’t sad any longer.

I know as a mother I need alone time. But this season of life is so short that I want to spend every second of it with my little family. Dinners, vacations, anniversaries..whatever it is, we want to do it with her. Many people crave that time alone. I’m not going to lie, I enjoy my nap time quiet. I enjoy going to workout. I enjoy working on projects peacefully. I enjoy my random walks with Arya alone remembering the days when it was just her and me against the world. I enjoy getting to do things for me when Brian has her at home, but I want her with me. Dare I say need her. I don’t begrudge anyone who prioritizes their time alone. I need the gym and time to write too. I just know for my mental health, playing with her helps put a smile on my face when I’m struggling and I don’t want to forget these moments. Life is going by so fast that the last 20 months is a blur. I want to stay in them forever even when I get woken up at the crack of dawn.

Time doesn’t stop for us. As much as we wish it could speed up or slow down, time keeps going. I hope you always keep going too.

Love, Jacqueline

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